rants and ramblings of connie

so alot has been going on i guess.

 

lately i've lost a lot of friends. and you know most have been for valid reasons and i'm ok with it. i've had more friends being there for me too. so it evens out.

 

Work: I'm working quite a bit. and i love it! i'm still looking for that 2nd job (fingers crossed). 

Bills: i Just paid my 2nd installment of a bill and it makes me happy to know that i can pay at least some bills... right? i'm getting there.

I'm back on my meds.... it's good and it's bad. i've been in a WONDERFUL mood lately. i'm not having as many side effects. i'm not so much of a zombie. but the thing is i'm not able to stop or snap out of nightmares or flashbacks. and i cant write about them... so i'm not sure

I'm currently not seeing jodi schedule issues make it impossible. i'm able to call and talk tho. 

friends: I've had several leave me lately.. but you know it's ok. people are supposed to come in and leave. if we kept every single one of our friends what time would we have left for ourselves? there is one friend that is bugging me on why we arent friends any more. i never come down and visit and when i do i blow her off apparently. Well any time i'm in st. louis everybody knows it's not to hang out. it's to get something done. i dont like st. louis. if i  can go down to see friends i will but with gas and needing a second job i cant justify a pleasure trip to stl. i've called several times to see if a half way meet in edwardsville would be ok. and i never got a call back. i  do have a problem with all the blame being put on me. you have a car also. you have a job, you have the ability to come up to see me. i have friends who understand my money issues, and understand the fact of the distance and that i do try. and they try to meet half way or stuff. we all try. friendships are alot like relationships there is alot of give and take.

hmm any other updates.. i cant really think of at the moment. i'm sure that there is but i just cant think of them....

 

So... Grandma fell thru. so i'm not going back to school.... thank god. i'm not ready for it yet.

work is stressing me the fuck out!!!! Heather hired leea to work. Great right? kinda... i'm only getting 25 hours a week, and leea's getting 25 hours a week. make sense? no. i've been here a year almost and yet i'm getting the same amount of hours??? it's just me and leea at the store in litchfield now. i dont mind it dont get me wrong. i'm looking for a second job.....i need one to keep up with bills. it sucks. so i'm looking........ i more than sucks actually. and on top of it all i report to michelle. i can not stand her but whatever work is now just anyother job. i'm starting to think i'm not happy here anymore... which is huge.


i'm realizing that i'm not sure what my sexuality is... i still dont like penis. but i'm not sure that i'm only attracked to girls.... long story and it's very complicated.


This weekend We(perry and jim gang) went camping at the cabin. first off amazing out there! love it. had a blast.... second i decided to go swimming with my phone soooooo it's dead.. and it sucks since i cant afford a new one.

well i'm gonna do some work... maybe

so life has had it's ups and downs as all my friends know this last year but it's definitly looking up thats for sure.


Work is still amazing. It has it's moments espically when i screw up but i still love it and wouldnt trade it for anyother job in the world. i am still looking for a second job :( which kinda sucks and is super hard right now. i am trying to sell avon which honestly isnt working to well i'm not sure i am cut out for avon.... i'm gonna stick it out a little longer and see


Friends that i have at the moment are amazing and one's i'll never loose no matter how far we are apart. i have joey who i talk to maybe 2 times a month if that and he is still my best friend and will always be. he's getting ready to move to flordia for 7 months.   i have megan, we dont talk much but we are always there for each other no matter what.  then i have leea, brittany and carla. they are more than i could ever ask for! i couldnt have survived the last year and few months with out them.   I've lost several friends in the last year some by choice others not so much by choice.


Social life? yeah whats that????? i am not sure. my life currently consists of work,looking for 2nd job, avon, dealing with family, gym, find time to eat, sleep, and repeat.

i am moving tomarrow/next week!!! i'm super excited. i'm moving in with leea nad brittany, we got the "7up" apartments they arent bad i think they are kinda nice actually. we get the key tomarrow i start moving small stuff tomarrow  and then the big stuff gets in on wednesday/thursday!!!! i'm pretty excited to say the least!!!!


well it's time to maybe do some work? eh maybe

 

me just recently, right after i got my hair cut. so myspace i know. but i like it.

 

Christmas 2006, god that was FOREVER ago! i was so girly then...



Even longer ago.. like Oct 06. yes it is a rainbow ribbon in my hair...



my tattoo, i just got it in oct 07. this is right after i got it done. love it!!!



i'll hopefully update this with stuff soon like tomarrow.

life has been ok i guess. my life has been consisting of working working working and more working... i've been working in springfield alot. this week i get to open to close in litchfield since heather is in az. i spend every sunday in highland at somepoint and i really missed seeing them all the time before and it just never had dawned on me...

so with valentines day looming tomarrow... its kinda like eh whats the point of it really?

so over the last few days i've gotten the valentines' day cards from people like my uncle and grandma and you know i see them in the mailbox and think i dont even want to open it and see the freaking thing. to me valentines day is pointless. it's just a day to spend with the ONE you love well its also a day to make all the single people out there feel lonely.


i know that i only feel this way because i'm single. and well out of all my friends i talk to on a daily basis i'm the ONLY single one.... Leea has Brittany, Megan has Ryan, Joey has Jordan, Heather has Ruth, etc. you get the point so i wont be calling anyone to see if they want to hang out b/c oh yeah that's right they have an S.O. so i'm gonna be just probally sleeping tomarrow after work.


ahhhhh i hate valentines day i really do!


i'm not sure if i'd feel any different if i wasnt single.... i'm thinking not.

So when i last spoke with alanna she said that sometimes when you arent thinking bout it thats when u heal the most as long as you arent burying it well she wasnt talking bout me and the jess thing... But it applies, all this time ive been trying to ignore it and push it aside, well i spent most of this week thnking about it then i didnt at all yeasterday, and i saw jess today and i didnt feel the urge to talk, hug or kiss her, i am getting rid of her in my life im cutting out all that ive tied to her....

so that means...

Blackburn for now, maybe ill be able to get past it- this also means bcg! Its where i met her and its a pretty strong tie im sorry to any1 who is a member, msg me and ill give u my number but i need to do this 4 me right now, alanna b/c jess got me going to her, im not going anymore for other reasons mainly b/c its the point i dnt need it, carlinville kinda self explainatory but im making ties with other people so it wnt be hard and lastly....The back road between litchfield and carlinville, it where alot of conversations were held, kisses took place and where i said i love you for the 1st time... I do think im getting there i dont miss her, im not even necessarly hating her anyore im kinda indifferent and its awesome, life is short im not gonna waste it on wanting her, i think i may actually be over her, now let me work on some personal stuff and ill try to date then, i want to enjoy being single for a while

soo life update.......

work is amazing i had 40+ hrs last week and LOVED it. social life yeah well it kinda is crappy. b/c it doesnt exsit. i have had alot and i mean ALOT on my mind this past week. i'm stressing over alot of stuff that i shouldnt be stressing over but i am........

so the temporary apartment in mt. olive is a shit hole! but my actual one is awesome and needs to get finished ASAP! soo the storms last night drove me nuts! i hate severe storms like that. they really scare me.

work rocks still. humm other than nothing is new... oh i've decided i'm no longer a member of bcg. i dont want to have to drive that far all the time for a few hours then drive back. o well i dont go there any more, i wont ever go there again most likely. so why go to club meetings. i'll keep in touch with the important people.

soooo first off i hate new years. i just hate it. nothing good has ever come out of a new years. i've never been kissed at midnight. i broke up with my ex last new years eve oh at like 12:30am. yeah the fight started because she was sleeping on the couch and i woke her up to move to her bed seeing as humm it's more comfy than the couch.... well anyways it has taken me basically the entire year to get over that relationship

ok so 07 recap of my life!

started off withmy heart being broken. see above rant. then i got kicked out of school... why because thats right i was dealing with alot of shit that all hit the fan right about midterms. i was kicked out of my house. and moved to carlinville.... (1st mistake) where i moved in with Leea, Brittany, and Jess. We all moved into a house. by this time i'm on Job number 2 for the year. i had to quit build a bear (good in the long run) and i got a job at subway. i got fired. so then i started working at hardees and Build a Bear at the stadium so that makes job numbers 3 and 4 for the year. mind you it's only march at this point. well i get fired from hardee's. and i have to quit babw again :(. well i get hired at accudata. life seems ok.... good job good roomies. oh yeah i have a puppy too. well no i slip in to a depressive state made worse by jess actually haveing girlfriends or potental ones.....well i get layed off from accudata and end up working at wendy's for a little quit there and go to walmart. i get fired there b/c of the whole depressive state so i'm at job numbers 5, 6, and 7. well after getting fired from walmart i go and get a job at Box and Go job number 8 i love it. well it comes time for Heidi jess's new g/f to move in and i hit a low.... well jess kicks me out and i move to carlinville. Leea and Brittany had moved out about a month before because me and brittany had a falling out. and it was to much stress on them. i'm forced to get rid of my puppy :( becasue where i moved no pets. well i'm still dealing with stuff from the 1st semester at school and i'm getting ok. i'm still depressed no meds tho because i cant afford them.... well then new years eve comes along again. i'm thinking life is looking up and getting on track. oh i thought to soon. because a knock on my door at 9PM at night. telling me i'm being evicted. o great. so i spend my new years eve starting to pack up my apartment..... Fucking douche bags. 2008 is here and it may have started out on a bad note but it's only the second and its looking up. i'm still at box and go and dont plan on leaving. i love this job. i already have a new apartment. it's bigger, nicer, closer to work and best of all HALF THE PRICE!!!! yeah so i'm happy bout that.

rant and rave time........
i have a tattoo yes it's real, i like it so get the fuck over it it's not comeing off.
i am sick of being single but at the same time i'm not to a point that i'm ready to date anyone. i'm not sure i'm over jess completely yet... (scarey)
i've been single for a year. and it's coming up in a few weeks a year of no sex too...
i'm now questioning my friends. this past year has had its ups and downs as far as friends go. 2 of my closest friends (i know you guys can read this)i'm not sure how good of friends they are. i'm always being asked to do things for them or see if they can use my car. occasionally i'll be invited over for dinner which is awesome. i'll occasionally volunteer to do stuff which i dont mind. but lately it seems that all i've heard is them asking me. i need one simple favor of for one night and they immediately said no. i'm moving futher away i'll be coming to carlinville 1 time a week maybe 2 depending on if i continue to be a member of bcg... i'm debating that because i dont go there i probally never will again. and i dont know if i enjoy it anymore...
i never get to see megan anymore..which makes me very sad. we live so far away. i miss being able to hang out whenever. but living a little closer hopefully i'll be able to do that soon.
i miss talking to joey about things. or being able to ask if i could get just a hug or some joey time. life is soo busy for everyone that its impossible to barely talk to him on the phone for more than 10 minutes and even thats rare.
basically i hate most of my life and i want my life and friends from high school back. i'd give almost anything to be that care free again.

soooo i'm working on my "petition" letter for school for next fall..... i'm really wanting/needing to be in school next fall i'm working on getting emancipated so i qualify for more financial aid since i am on my own.... fingers crossed. and i need someone to edit for me...

ok soooooooooooooo updatee time!

life is working out to iffy with happiness.
i'm working on it it's gonna take time.
however.

me and megan seem to be talking more. me and joey are talking again. yay!
i'm working on figureing out who i can trust.
a friend from the past is back. there was a reson i stoped talking to her but i dont remember. o well. she's changed alot lets see if i still have that cursh on her when i see her.... i hope not i dont want a crush or anything right now. i just need to fix stuff then i can try to date. not yet....

i'm sleepy, i slept from 6:00ish last night till 7 am this morning. i hit my head last night and i just couldnt stand light or being awake so i made my apartment completely dark and slept. i didnt budge. it was nice but at the same time i think i have a concusion. o well. i have a headache today but i'm dealing

sooo i am EXTREMELY confused right now. but that's ok. it's part of life.. i guess.....

other than that i need to CLEAN, uhhh i've been putting it off and i'm gonna do it tonight i cant stand it anymore. work is awesome. life is basically ok right now. well all but i think i'm short for rent. :/ kinda worried.....

teeth update.. they are out and i'm done with the dentist i'm quite happy that i'm done. they are sore but not too bad

so i'm not looking foreward to tommarrow..... i am actually very much dreading it. i'm quite unhappy that i'm having to get them out so soon.. work is dead we seriously need customers badly.. i'm finding a lot of things very very ironic... laughs quitely to self.... oh this is very random, a.d.d. blog. lol hmm i think that's the end of my little add blog boredome today well for right now i cant promise anything tho....


7am is coming to fast :(

so my head is pounding. it fucking sucks ass..... we are dead at work right now.. so i figured what better to do.. blog. yeah i know. anyways. life is so hetic with simple useless shit right now. i'm wanting to just have alone time for awhile and it doesnt work very well at all. i've been told by several people that i shouldnt be involed in things but you know what i'm more involved than some other people and that's kinda ironic. but whatever. i dont care what other people think and do as long as it doesnt affect or screw up my life i dont care.....

my tattoo has soo many meanings behind it.. when i post a picture i'll post what they mean.

i really needed my appointment this week but my luck the 1 week when i need it the most she's out of town. that's ok. next week is only 7 days away. and i have two appointments that week :( grr i hate going to the one and really dont need too... o well. i may cancel it. i was only going to may fucking stupid cunt happy so y go anymore.. that's right it's my life i dont have to. :) gotta love being on your own with noone controlling you.

so i'm starting to be happier again. i'm slowly getting there. i was really happy for a week or so then i had a few weeks of depression and now i'm slowly coming out of it. which is good it's not a rapid change. i like it.
and all with out the help of meds. it's amazing how happy and how non "psychotic" i am when i'm not around certian people. humm coinciedence i think not! i'm off my meds and i'm fine. yes there was a withdrawal time (the depression time) but you know that's gonna happen with anyone.. i'm not manic depressive, bi polar, i'm just plain depressed mixed with being 19 almost 20, living on my own, not being in school, and confused on somethings.. it's gonna happen and i'm gonna get through it. ooh i cry or i want to left alone to write or color or hell think. and o god something might happen we have to watch over every single minute of the day. no i'm fine. i'm so glad that i'm my own person not letting people control my every move anymore.

so stress.......... it's at a max right now. yet it's not. the stress is all simple things that are getting to me so much.... i'm being accused of stalking and ruining people's lives. people i dont even fucking talk to.. one i work next to yet hum i dont talk to her. others i havent talked to in forever! yeah i finally found them on myspace but i didnt realize i wasnt supposed to try to add them as a friend or want to talk to them. hell we were best friends for so long before i moved away and then poof no more...

my lower right wisdom tooth comes out on thursday not looking forward to that at all..... :( it's gonna hurt hard core and be a pain in the ass. but eh i have my own place and i can ignore the world for a week or so. (except work) i plan on being back at work that day. (geezz am i turning into a workaholic?) no i just love my job.. and i need money!!!! badly...

i got my tattoo... i LOVE it! it was awesome getting it.. and i'm addicted. lol..


so i've gotten wind that there are SEVERAL people on campus who want me to stay off of campus completely. i'm gonna be pissed if i get banned for no reason at all. i'm hopeing to be back by next fall (fingers are crossed). i'd be majoring in business and minor in ???. dont know yet probally pysch just because i love it so much. i really would like to be in by spring that would make me soo happy but i really doubt that.


uhh lets see what else is new???
i'm wonderwoman for halloween (o joy) and it's only because i dont feel like being captain condom and be humped by gay men at perry and jim's... it's wierd when me and jess (fucking stupid c-word) were dating i really didnt like going out there. i guess it was the tention i could feel that noone out there likes her and she's not welcome? probally.. well i love it now... i'm still mary cathrine ghalger( cant spell worth shit)...


ok break from internet to clean somethings to surprize heather that the cart thingy magigure is clean even tho the wood and stuff is on it.. it can be moved. eh plus i'm sooo sick of internet drama!!! ok neways. i'll be back to vent more in a bit.

Please leave a one-word comment that you think best describes me.
It can only be one word, no more.
After, copy & paste this in your journal so that I may leave a word about you

I am the person who walked home alone
I am the person who sat all alone
I am the person who dreaded school
I am the person who did not want to play
I am the person who you said had no trend
I am the person you pushed around
I am the person who made NO sound
I am the person who got all the blame
I am the person who you called lame
I am the person who you made cry
I am the person who wants to die

Post this if you have been bullied or know someone who has been bullied